SimplicityI remember childhood innocence. Where simple things brought great fun. I remember being at my grandma’s house and how a box of marbles or wooden block could bring so much fun. I remember the excitement of seeing my cousin there. Even if he did torture me with toy snakes and the purple people eater.
I remember she always had red Kool-Aid in her basement fridge and how we would laugh when it was coming out of my cousin’s nose. Wrestling matches in the living room always resulted in my dad, uncle, brother, cousin and even me joining in there. Grandma would always come out of the kitchen yelling at my dad and uncle to stop. Even though my grandma so desired her only granddaughter to be dainty and wear dresses. I couldn’t help it I was surrounded by boys!
We would always have true quality family time playing wiffle ball and volleyball in her back yard.
I remember all this with a smile. I don’t recall fighting or drama. I wonder what happened when we all grew up. Why did it become so complicated? Is it because she isn’t here to yell at us to stop wrestling? Would the fighting and drama end if she was here? I wonder what she thinks about her family? I wonder what she thinks of what it has become? I bet she would sew us all back together. I think she would set us straight. She was tough and she loved us all and she would just not like any of this. How can we fix it without her?
I want to view this family like I did as a child. I want us all to remember that time. I want us to hold onto that joy and happiness we felt when she was here. Maybe the answers are in those memories? Maybe we all haven’t changed that much inside? Maybe it isn’t as bad as we think it is? Maybe if we can find her in our hearts again we wouldn’t be so far away from where we were.
We can’t have her back which fills my eyes with tears. I am grieving, truly grieving, which I don’t think I have allowed myself to ever do. I think when she left us I was shocked and maybe even mad at her for leaving. As the tears roll down my face I realize I am not only grieving her but the family we once used to be.
Part of me is who I am because of her. A part of me I didn’t realize or know. A part I am grateful to know and have. She helped shape my life and then left. Her part of the story stopped. I hope she can see us from Heaven. I hope she can help us from there. Help us remember her. What part she played in our lives. How would it be different if she was still here? How we can find peace to honor her. I miss her. She wanted me to be so dainty but I am just like her. She could dress up nice for church and dancing but she pushed a lawn mower around and sweat so much. She drank beer and watched football. Grandma, I have always been a tomgirl and a girly girl just like you. I love to dress up but can get dirty when I need to. I watched you work in your yard but also saw you in front of the mirror in your room putting on your make up. I wish you could see me when I’m all dressed up. Hopefully you smile.
So many a nights I fall asleep and dream I’m in your house but you are never there. Sometimes I just accept this is where I am and know you are not there but other times I look for you. I hope you know how much I love you and how much I miss you.
I wish for that simplicity you brought to our lives to return.
I thank you also for your faith. I was lucky to have parents and grandmothers who strongly believed to help shape my faith. Thank you for that foundation.
I walk through my memories and never realized how much you impacted my life. Your strength, your love. I wish I could have known you longer but am grateful for the time God gave me.