Being Single

I want to share part of my story. One reason is it needs to be shared. He won’t share it. I think maybe he is denial about it. I am single. Months have passed since this become a reality for me yes my own choosing. Was he a bad guy? No. Did he treat me wrong? No. Then why you ask. He just wasn’t ready. He said he was but he never was. I’m not playing games this is MY life and I am raising a son. I try to be open and honest with everyone I meet. I believe in showing people who you are. Never pretending to be something you are not or something someone wants you to be. He told me tales. Tales of a grand future. Painted pictures of fairy tales. And maybe he wishes he could give me all that but he can’t. Did he out right lie? No but he didn’t show me the whole truth. Just bits and pieces. It was a whirlwind in the beginning. He fell in love very quickly. He took me to look at rings after 6 months. My head was spinning. He claimed I was the one! I had never experienced this before. In my mind I felt like I just wasn’t where he was yet. I had it more complicated. I had to think of what was best for my young son. Was he MY one? I loved him but could it be forever love? I felt like I put a lot of pressure on myself to figure this out sooner than I had expected. A guy doesn’t take a girl to look at rings, at sparkly diamonds if he isn’t serious right? Wrong. He couldn’t.    

I felt like we were still getting to know each other. Now I felt compelled to dive deeper with my questions. I mean we were getting really serious and there were things I needed to know. You see he lives at home with his mom. You are thinking why does a grown man in his 30’s live with his mom still? Red flag, right? His story is he moved home to help his mom because she had a serious back condition. Who could not love that? A man that cared for his mom so much. What a sacrifice! Now though, with my new found curiosity I questioned him. Why he couldn’t just live close by on his own and still help her? The truth came out he was in a financial situation that he had gotten into himself and couldn’t afford it. Mind you he worked 4 jobs. I had thought how ambitious but in reality he had to, to even pay his bills. I was shocked. I couldn’t do this again. Get my hopes up about someone and be lied to. 

I told him after 6 months I couldn’t do this. I felt lied to. I felt betrayed. This wasn’t the picture he had painted me. I walked away. . 2 weeks later he contacted me. This is where the false hopes began. He told me I had really woken him up on his life. He had gotten himself into so much debt by trying to fill a void. He was going to start selling his things, work on finishing his masters and work on moving out of his mother’s house. 

Here I was thinking wow. I don’t think I had ever inspired someone so much to change their lives like this. He was going to get his life in order and we could have that future. It has been 2 years since all that happened and he still lives at home. More false hopes came my way, with more truth that contradicted his original story. I was done I was angry. I was disappointed. I was hurt. I had let this man into my life, into my son’s life. My family had embraced him and he let them down as well. My parents thought I had finally found a good guy. One who truly loved me and my son. 

I told him I would still pray for him. I would still hope for him. I just don’t know though after 2 years and if he one day finally got it all together and moved, out could I really trust him with my heart and my life. 

I still think he is a good guy who means well. Someone I enjoy talking with about my faith. I find I don’t always have many people to talk about this passion of mine. 

I don’t cry over him. Sometimes I miss him. Miss us but I don’t miss how unhappy I was waiting for him to show me HIM. His true self. I don’t miss being disappointed in how it was never seeming to happen. Our life together. That fairy tale he told me. I pray he finds the confidence to show people who he is, the whole truth and embrace it. If he had been honest with me from day one. I could have embraced it Accepted it. Decided for myself if he was the one. He never gave me the opportunity though which is sad. 

I’m moving forward. I’m focusing once again on me and my son and my life. I need to figure out me on my own once again. I know God has an amazing plan for me and I hold my faith to that God has already provided me such a blessed life for me already. 

I think sometimes maybe I’m single because God wants me to focus on him not the dramas of a relationship and when the right guy comes along he will help me to stay focused on God as well. 

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